I accidentally burped into my bong.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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