Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
