i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
