I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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