I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
