i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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