I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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