final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
where are you?
Hypothermia
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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