I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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