Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
