I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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