Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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