I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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