Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
