arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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