So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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