we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
