i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
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