I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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