So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you would pick up someone in the library
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
