He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
