Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
