God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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