WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
