Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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