please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
