Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
