You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
