If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
