My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
