Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
