I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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