this beer tastes like vomit already
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
