I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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