When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
