If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
