I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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