I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
