My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
