we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
