Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
