Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
