how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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