I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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