I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
