I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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