Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
