I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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