he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
