You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
